Nikkole Cherie

Vent Session 4/27/13

Wow. I haven’t posted on here in a while now. I have so much on my mind. Both good & bad. I’ve never been so thankful to have Lyle. He really keeps me happy. My mom and I finally get along good again. I started thinking about if I’ve ever loved anyone. I then realized every relationship I’ve had was out of spite… to make someone else mad/jealous. Even Josh. I’ve never just been with someone or started talking to them because they completely caught my eye. I definitely loved Josh though. I loved him so much it hurt. I would’ve done anything for him and he shit on me time and time again. I would literally lay in bed for hours just crying, everyday. Wondering what went wrong and how things ended up the way they did. The first time I lived with him at his parents house is when I fell out of love with him. I wasn’t in love with him anymore but I did love him. Complicated. The person he was then just wasn’t the person I fell in love with. The only reason I even got with the doucher I’m having a baby with is because I thought it would help me forget about Josh. & he did. Once I got pregnant I always felt like I HAD to be with Josh because nobody would accept me and my son but him. I was happy when I found someone who would spend time with me AND Lyle. It changed me a lot. I finally realized I didn’t need Josh like I thought I did. Is it slutty of me to say I had a “f*ck buddy?” I liked this new guy so much, as a friend. We’d get drunk and tell eachother we love each other but I don’t know. There was love there for sure. We spent so many days/nights just laying around talking to each other and doing stupid things. He was one of my best friends. We went on like this for years regardless of the fact he had girlfriends. Most of them found out. I wanted him to be happy. I didn’t want to be with him because I knew he’d cheat probably. I was content with being his friend… or as we called it “bestacles.” As screwed up as it is, I loved being the “homewrecker.” After Josh cheated on me, it felt good to be the girl that got what she wanted but didn’t have to deal with the shitty relationship. When Josh got out of jail the last time, I had 0 intentions of being with him. I didn’t even want Lyle to see him but my mom urged me to let him see him. He was different. He was healthy and smart. I liked him, as a friend. He helped me out with Lyle and he would clean my car and just help me out pretty much. I wouldn’t sleep with him. A couple nights I had him over while my mom was at work and we’d just watch movies. It felt good to be like that again but I still wasn’t IN love with him. One night my mom came home and found Josh there. She kicked me out. I had nowhere to go but Josh’s family’s house. They’ve ALWAYS been there when I needed them. I can’t thank them enough for that. I then felt like I HAD to be with Josh. There would be days I felt so in love with him again but then there were days that I’d remember the past and just wish he’d go away. The past will never change and it will always haunt me and the relationship I have with Josh. I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life. My new baby’s dad kept calling me. I didn’t want to go but something in my head told me to. The first time I cheated on Josh I felt awful but at the same time it felt like it was good payback for everything he had put me through. When we moved into our apartment together, I told myself I’d stop. I stopped answering Mike’s calls for the first month. One day Josh made me upset and that night I went to hangout with Mike. I missed him, I can’t lie. He was an escape for me. We had all the elements of a relationship without the relationship. We would sit in my car for hours and not run out of things to say. We’d go do random stupid stuff. He just made me feel better about myself. Me and Josh didn’t get along like that anymore because of all the bullshit between us. There was always some sort of pent up anger. It felt good when I could hangout with someone who I just got along with. Josh started catching on though. I couldn’t find it in myself to tell him. I didn’t want to be with Josh anymore. I wanted to be single. I just thought if I left him, he’d relapse. Since I loved/cared about him… I didn’t want that to happen at all. I tried to make myself happy and Josh happy too but it was so hard. One night, he found Mike at the house. That week is such a big blur for me. I was so lost on what to do. I had to move out that week. Josh came and took everything that was his and Mike stayed with me every night. I was scared for him to leave. I didn’t want to be alone while so much was going on in my head. I felt so bad. Josh ended up going to jail after he overdosed and broke into my house. It was a crazy day/night. I never wanted him to go to prison. He was an amazing dad. I felt so guilty. I still hooked up with Mike maybe 10 times since Josh went to prison… one time I ended up pregnant. At first I was so scared. I just cried. I didn’t know what to say or do. I didn’t tell Mike for a week or two. He was an ass when I did. He begged me to get an abortion and out of fear, I said I would. I went to the consultation. I couldn’t go through with it though. The day before I was supposed to have it we hungout all that night. I cried and tried to tell him I couldn’t do it and he got mad and so once again I promised I’d do it. I obviously didn’t. The day after I lied and said I did it, I texted him telling him I didn’t go through with it. He called me all upset and I said I was kidding. I hated making him mad after all he’s done to my car, etc. He came over that night and we just hungout. He kept looking at me telling me he thought I was lying about having the abortion, I was. I laughed and told him he’s crazy. He looked at my stomach, which was hardly showing and said I still have a little bump. I told him I wouldn’t lose it right away. For the next few weeks I tried to figure out what I should do. I didn’t know how to tell him. I told myself I wouldn’t tell him. Eventually he found out. He started pulling the “it isn’t mine” card. That made me upset. It upsets me that someone who sat there asking me to get an abortion and knowlingly had unprotected sex with me could now sit here and tell other people it isn’t his. It changed the way I saw him immensely. I began to despise him. Then he started pulling the I’m not pregnant card which I still don’t know why he/they did that. I ended up proving myself in the least classiest way possible. I don’t want to get into that though. All this time I’ve just loved my baby so much but I feel SO bad for him. I don’t cry anymore. I use to. I use to ask myself why I would bring someone who’s father doesn’t even want him into this world. What am I doing? I just hope my son always knows that I love him and have always loved him since I knew he existed. Some days I feel so empty. I wish I had children with people I loved or actually a PERSON I loved and was married to and all that. I just don’t see myself every loving someone and trusting them so much that I’d spend FOREVER with them. I get sick of people so easily. I wish I could go back and time. I can’t though. This is my life. People think I’m a huge slut. I have 2 kids with 2 different people and I’m 19. I hate how people perceive me now. Why couldn’t I have at least gotten pregnant by Josh? Two kids with the same guy seems better than two kids with two different people… Ugh. I believe this child has a purpose. There’s some big life lesson that he is going to teach me… besides to not use the pull out method. Everday I fell him and I just feel so much love for him. I feel bad for him too. He doesn’t know how cruel the other half of his family is. They’re a joke. They haven’t treated this situation with respect at all. I like to say I’ll keep him from them but that isn’t what’s best for my son. It’s best he sees his family. I’ve thought about 1000 ways to prevent him from getting custody. Is that wrong? Does he deserve to have custody of a child he’s talked about like this? He doesn’t have anything going for him anyway. It’s not like he’d support him or even be a good role model for him. Alright well I feel better writing this stuff out. Goodbye :)

My 2 1/2 month belly vs. My best friends 2 1/2 month

belly. I had to post this because so many crazies are trying to say I’m farther along. Ummm NO! lol First of all everyone shows at different times in different ways. They say you show sooner with your second baby. Anyways, my bestfriend is on her first and her belly is a bit bigger than mine even though in this photo we are both 2 1/2 months. She’s obviously even bigger now since she’s 3 weeks ahead of me. But because I’m naturally so small I guess my stomach looks big to people. No worries though. The baby was measuring 7 weeks 6 days at my last ultrasound. And if I had got pregnant by anyone else I would’ve been 12+ weeks. & if you know anything about babies you’d know that a 7 week ultrasound is VERY different from a 12 week lol! I just got sick of Internet haters commenting on my belly! and I’m actually going back for my 12 week next week! Yay!

ADAM FROM TEEN MOM NUDE!?

Check out this PHOTO that even Adam himself posted saying WTF! Adam says it isn’t him but he found it funny!

Josh’s job!

Want to know what Josh’s job is!? He’s a car salesman!

Maci’s boyfriend revealed!

@MaciBookoutMTV
going to weddings makes me realize im just gonna have Bentley be my boyfriend forever.

I had touy a pregnancy test today!

Yup i was walking out of walmart when a young girl asked me if i would buy one for her (she thought you had to be 18 to buy one lol). Well i ended up buying one for her… i told her i would pray for her no matter what happens & gave her my number and told her if she needs anything im only a call away

DANIELLE ALMOST DIES!!

16 & Pregnant star Danielle Cunningham almost died last night!! Here’s what she said via Facebook:

I experienced a VERY tragic thing lastnight. i passed out and quit responding and was in coma condition, and even stopped breathing and turned blue. my bestfriends & boyfriend rushed me to the hospital. i was completely blue and not breathing. The doctors put tubes down my throat and oxygen into lungs. they said that if i would of waited even 15 more minutes i would be brain dead right now or dead. I had alot of people there for me. love you all♥

I’M ENGAGED!!

Joshua popped the question at midnight on my birthday! We were in front of all of our best friends & he gave me a long heart-felt speech! I started crying & said yes haha